1. To learn self-sufficiency, kids need to occasionally dust themselves off (literally and figuratively) without your help. “Most parents know what their children are capable of but step in to make things easier for them,” says Sheri Noga, the author of Have the Guts to Do It Right: Raising Grateful and Responsible Children in an Era of Indulgence. Remember: Long-term benefits—a teenager who knows how to do her own laundry, for example—trump momentary discomfort. Before you rush in to help with any physical task, ask yourself: “Is my child in real danger?” Then—and this applies to other challenges, like the social studies poster due tomorrow—think about whether your child has the necessary skills (dexterity and balance) or simply adequate sleep and a snack. Yes? Time to back off and see what happens.
2. Abide by the three rules of homework.
Number one: “Eat the frog,” says Ted Theodorou, a middle-school social studies teacher in Fairfax County, Virginia. That’s shorthand for “Do the hardest thing first.” Rule number two: Put away the phone. Homework time can’t be totally tech-free (computers, alas, are often a necessary evil), but it can at least be free of text messages. Rule number three: As soon as assignments are finished, load up the backpack for tomorrow and place it by the door. This is a clear three-step process that kids can internalize, so there’s less nagging from you. (Yes!)
3. Memorize the acronym H.A.L.T.
Tantrums often happen because the thrower is Hungry, Agitated, Lonely, or Tired.
4. Plan not-so-random acts of kindness.
Kids need to know that helping others is an everyday practice, not a visit-a-soup-kitchen-at-the-holidays grand gesture. Challenge yours to complete small tasks every week, like throwing away another kid’s trash at lunch or raking a neighbor’s lawn. Training your children to focus on others helps curb entitlement. “Gratitude becomes woven into who they are,” says Jeffrey J. Froh, a coauthor ofMaking Grateful Kids.
5. Be strict about bedtime.
A study published in 2013 in the journal Pediatrics found that seven-year-olds who had irregular bedtimes had more behavioral problems than did those with consistent bedtimes. And the longer the lack of a strict bedtime went on, the worse the problems became. If you work outside the home, it’s tempting to keep kids up to have more time with them. But as much as possible, stay the course—even if that means you sometimes miss lights out. “We all make sacrifices,” says Heather Taylor, Ph.D., a psychologist at the Morrissey-Compton Educational Center, in Redwood City, California. “Call or video-chat to say good night. Just be part of the routine.”
6. Let them read what they want.
Kids who read for pleasure excel academically—not only in language arts but, as recent research from the Institute of Education, in London, found, in math as well. So while you wish he would pick up Dickens, don’t make him feel bad about a graphic novel. “A ‘junky’ series can be good if it gets kids hooked on the habit of reading,” says Mary Leonhardt, a former high school English teacher and the author of Parents Who Love Reading, Kids Who Don’t.
7. Don’t pay your kids to clean their rooms.
“If you give them a buck to make their beds, then when you ask them to help you carry in the groceries, they’ll say, ‘How much? Why would I do that for free when you pay me to make my bed?'” says author and parenting expert Alyson Schafer. You can give your child an allowance as an introduction to money management and possibly for overall good behavior. But don’t tie it dollar-for-dollar to everyday chores.
8. Model brave behavior.
Want confident kids? They will be less likely to be easily flustered if they see you taking healthy risks. “A lot of adults won’t go to a movie solo because they would be embarrassed to be seen sitting alone. So do it, then talk to your kids about it,” says David Allyn, the author of I Can’t Believe I Just Did That. Similarly, if your kids see you laugh when you realize that your shirt has been on backwards all morning, maybe they’ll giggle, instead of feeling embarrassed, when it happens to them.
9. Repeat: I am not a short-order cook.
“It’s a child’s job to learn to eat what the parents eat,” says Ellyn Satter, a registered dietitian and the author of Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family. Instead of the all-or-nothing scenario, offer a variety of foods at mealtime: the main course, plus rice or pasta, a fruit or vegetable, and milk. This way, your child can eat just the pasta and the peas and get protein from the milk. “What a child eats over the course of a day or a week is more important than a balanced meal at one sitting,” says Stephen Daniels, the chairman of the department of pediatrics at the University of Colorado School of Medicine, in Aurora.
10. Pay attention at age 14.
That’s when most kids start to resist peer influence and flex the think-for-myself muscle, rather than simply following the leader, according to a study published in Developmental Psychology. Want to help strengthen that muscle at any age? Put screens aside and circle the wagons every night. Ask, “What’s new with your friends?” This will (here’s hoping, if he talks) give you a chance to decode what’s happening behind the scenes and offer support.
11. Tackle fears with common sense.
If she’s scared of dogs, don’t hustle her across the street when one is coming. Demystify the fear. (“Oh, a puppy! Let’s ask the owner if we can feel how soft his fur is.”) In tense moments—shots come to mind—be sympathetic but not too emotional, says Atlanta-area pediatrician Roy Benaroch. Say, “It will be OK. It will be over in a few minutes,” not, “I know—it hurts! It hurts!”
12. To get little kids to be quiet, lower your voice instead of raising it.
This forces kids to focus. Got a whole pack to corral? Whisper, “If you want to hear what we’re doing next, hop on one foot.” Goofy jumping is bound to be contagious.
13. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
In other words, take care of yourself or you can’t be a fully engaged parent. Parents who deprive themselves of rest, food, and fun for the sake of their kids do no one a favor. “People feel guilty when they work a lot, so they want to give all their free time to their kids,” says Fred Stocker, a child psychiatrist at the University of Louisville School of Medicine, in Kentucky. “But you risk getting squeezed dry and emotionally exhausted.” A spa weekend may not be realistic, but it’s OK to take 15 minutes for a bath after you walk in the door. (A tall request for a kid, yes, but a happier Uno player goes a long way.) Running ragged between activities? Ask your child to prioritize, says Taylor. She may be dying for you to chaperone a field trip but ambivalent about your missing a swim meet—the ideal amount of time for a pedicure.